For almost 2 years my mind went back and forth between wanting a relationship. Selfishly, the times I wanted one it was because I wanted someone to spend time with me when I was lonely. I wanted someone to give me confidence when I thought every one of my attempts would end in failure. I wanted someone to distract me with immense love so I could forget about how little I loved myself. I wanted my relationship to fix me, when in reality we all know that’s not how it works.
The times I didn’t want a relationship I was so stuck on fixing myself, reaching the end of this excruciatingly long mental health journey of finding my place. I avoided a relationship like the plague because how could anyone ever love me if I couldn’t love myself? How could anyone ever be happy with someone who was falling apart all the time? My mind was fixed on being 100% before I let someone in, but over time I started to realize, is anyone ever actually 100%? Is anyone ever done mending their pain? Are they ever at the end of the road on their personal journey?
I learned that you can’t stop life, you can’t tell it to slow down or to take a pause until you’re ready for it. You have to accept things will come to you when they’re meant to and things will dissipate when they’re not. Take your time to heal. Forgive yourself for not being there yet, but don’t avoid opportunities for the fear of not being ready, for not being 100%.