Technically, Long Island hasn’t started to re-open yet while majority of the world is. So quarantine isn’t over yet but I’m sure over it. I’ve begun to accept the fact that I can’t I’ve my life in fear for the next year while we wait for a vaccine to come out or for this virus to go away. Yeah, I’ll still wear my mask and refrain from touching my face and socially distance but I’m done locking myself in my house. I’m done having anxiety attacks over when I’ll be able to see my friends again and I’m done feeling depressed and alone because I stare at four walls all day.
I have moments full of pure anger and resentment, then the sadness comes and then I’m okay for a bit. That back and forth circle of feelings has been playing on a loop for over 2 1/2 months now. I started out this year proud of myself, I had my own place in the city, I was going to school and working my dream job. I felt confident and damn proud of myself for finally achieving everything I wanted for myself after years and years of hard work. Then I got that email that the school semester was over and we all had to go home. Then I got the phone call that I was out of a job. Everything I worked so hard for felt like it was gone before I even got to enjoy it. I was angry, beyond angry. I was angry at God, I was angry at the world and I just imploded. I went down this spiral of hate for everything. Then 3 days later I was in the hospital after a massive panic attack.
Things didn’t instantly get better from there though. I spent hours on the phone with my therapist working on ways to handle all of this change and I spent A LOT of time in bed. I cried almost every single day, I felt like a failure. I felt like this was the way the world was telling me that it doesn’t matter how hard I try, or how hard I want something, that I just can’t have it. I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness or a sense of accomplishment, and I began to hate myself. This feeling of hate and anger is the most overwhelming feeling that I keep coming back to. It takes over my entire body and I can practically feel my face turning red and my body heating up to full blast.
A few weeks when by and I learned to deal with it. I started working out, focused on school, ate healthier and even started my blog. Now this blog is the best form of release for me. Something about typing all of my feelings away allows me to release the anger and focus on positive thinking. I wanted my blog to be a platform for those to read and know they are not alone. The community of bloggers I’ve gotten to know and speak with has made me feel like this leap was truly all worth it.
Quarantine is affecting everyone differently. Some people may seem like they are handling it well on the outside but they’re really breaking down on the inside. Be kind. Don’t jump down someone’s back because they’re spending time with a friend or going out to an iced coffee. Self care is important too. Be safe and stay healthy, but do what you need to do to stay sane through all of this.